I Want My Childhood Back

Written By: Julie H. Date: February 4th, 2010. Topic: Recovery Stories.

A lot of times, I tell myself that a girl like me should not have ended up where I did. I had everything going for me. I grew up with more love that I can even understand. I had successful parents, close siblings, and truer friends as a child than I had as an adult. My personality popped. I was caring, giving, thoughtful, and respectful. All traits that would later leave quicker than they came.

Being completely unfamiliar with any kind of addiction due to my surroundings, I would never at the time, have been able to expect something like that to have happened to me. I was the least likely candidate for falling into the downward spiral of addiction. Starting to experiment at a young age and being in a long-term relationship as a child is a deadly combination. My innocence was destroyed. The second I found what made things seem fun, the switch was flipped. There was no such thing as this addict turning back. I wish I could say that I saw my life being entirely consumed with drugs, but unfortunately, I have a typical addicted brain that blocks out the bad. If I knew later that I was going to be on the streets committing crimes that I only saw on TV, injecting heroin into my veins, I assume I would have stopped. Once I was in way over my head, I was no longer the same person. I became everything I promised myself I would not be. I crossed all my own lines, which unfortunately lead me to believe that I might as well cross everyone else’s.

Hitting what most wanted to call bottoms, I decided to look past all of them. I always put drugs before my life, and that was made obvious after using up my 8th life didn’t scare me away from my 9th. Being involved in things that disgust me now, and experiencing darker places than I even knew existed, and slowly killing my body has opened my eyes to my last chance to live.

Feeling as though my purpose in life was to be a junkie and die a junkie, I held on to the little bit of hope I had left to change my life .Although knowing I needed to reach out and ask for help, I was scared. Scared of change. However, I was more scared of my life without change. In a matter of seconds, I made a commitment. A commitment to chase sobriety like I chased the high. But I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so after leaving my program and relapsing,6 months later, I asked the same people that I turned my back on to help me again. So hanging onto those people, and working the recovery program at benchmark to the best of my ability, I do not have to use today. I have a chance at life, and its no surprise the people who were waiting with open arms were the ones running the recovery program. I think sometimes I owe them my life, but my life is what they gave me. All I can do is turn around and return the favor. That, alone, has shown me my real purpose in life. I’ve realized that I need to work with addicts, because not only do I feel that is the only way I will stay sober, I also think there is one life out there, similar to mine, in need of help. One day I will stumble across them and change their life, just like mine way.

Therefore, when I tell myself I should not have ended up where I did, I step back and realize I ended up exactly where I was supposed to end up. Through the help of Benchmark and the 12 Step process I am finally looking at my life with out drugs in it. I owe a lot of my strength,

Willingness, and a new way of looking at life to two men at Benchmark; Mike V. and Greg Burks, they both believe in me when there are times that I do not believe in myself. Also, I would like to say without Toii this whole thing would not be possible, she’s firm, fair, and truly cares about me. She was the one who came to the airport to get me after my AWOL and relapse, I felt safe! With the help of these people and many others I feel not only I moving toward my future but also I’m getting my childhood back!