Your Invitation to More Energy, Compassion and Hope

Storytellers capture the essence of a happening, distill wisdom and pass it on to others.  I am a storyteller and the tale I tell is about the movement from powerlessness and want to choices and empowerment.

When a child is growing up in a family where people are addicted to alcohol, prescription medicine, nicotine and gambling, the world seem scary and overwhelming.  Yet, the flip side of being a child in an alcoholic or drug-addicted family is that there is often resilience and a strength that is part of that growing up time.    Even though that sounds confusing, the truth is that somehow, love surrounds these children. Many times there is fear when parents argue and swear at each other.  When not drinking, parents can love, laugh and be with the family. It can be crazy making at times.  It is when drinking takes over, and the addictions progress, that the awful feelings become overwhelming.

The stories in this article are about resilience, hope and change. The literal definition of the word resilience means “the ability to recover strength and spirit quickly”.  Yes, resilient people can come back with full strength and spirit, but it may not be quickly.  It may come with effort, time, decision and help.  As Shinido Bolen, psychiatrist and author of “Crones Don’t Whine” states, “choosing one path means giving up another”.

First of all, a person needs to know how they have been affected by addiction before they know how to begin their recovery journey.  It is well documented today that there are many ways that people from alcoholic and painful families can and do suffer.

Some of the most common behaviors that begin in the growing up years and worsen into adulthood are:

  • A driving need to excel in school, job, hobbies, status and even sports.  There is a strong, compulsive push toward accomplishment.
  • There is an unexpressed feeling of inadequacy.  There is unexpressed hurt.
  • Anger (expressed or repressed) becomes a way of life with frequent outbursts of rage, blame and resentment.  Angry behaviors include sulking, fighting, blaming, rudeness, general irritability, and sarcasm.
  • Withdrawal from family, friends and life in general is a common trait of those who have lived in painful homes.  People can choose to spend most of their connecting time on the computer rather than connecting with others in person.  They pull away from relationships and prefer to read and type instead of being with another person.
  • There is unexpressed loneliness.
  • When the unexpressed feeling is fear, there is a need to cover that fear with a distraction.  That distraction is often disguised in humor, acting out, silliness and sensationalism.  This feeling of fear keeps the person, feeling that fear, in constant motion distracting most situations and avoiding any real confrontations or connections.

Some of these behaviors, however, are natural phases of developing from a child to a mature adult.  When a person continues to use these behaviors to avoid further pain in their lives the behaviors become actual survival mechanisms.  When these behaviors seem to protect us from our painful feelings, we then become stuck in these behaviors, even after they become self-defeating.  Entertainer, Bette Midler, sings to us, “It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.”  (From “The Rose”, Words and Music by Amanda Bloom, Ó1977 Warner-Tamerlane Pub. Co)

Until a few years ago, individuals from painful/addicted families were stuck in these behaviors.  There was little help available for a long time.  Then a shift happened.  Therapists, counselors, programs and books began to identify these behaviors and painful feelings.  Clients were directed to identify what had happened to them in their growing up years and do something about it.

It was such a relief for clients to discover what had happened and how they had been affected by growing up in addiction/painful families.  Years of being hurt, lonely and afraid made sense when clients found others who felt exactly the same.  The lonely ones came out of shadows and started sharing with others, the angry ones simmered down and learned to understand anger and express it in a way that got results rather than pushing everyone away.  The tired workaholic slowed down and moved from inadequacy to an output comfort level, and the person hiding behind humor became more real.

That is the end result of doing the work, but it doesn’t happen as easily as previously stated.

Recovery of any type comes in stages.

The first stage is awareness and the shattering of denial.  It is difficult for the person who grows up in a compulsive accomplishment mode, and is driven for good grades and socially approved honors, such as perfect anything (attendance, school papers, career awards, etc.) to see any need to change.  This is a major source of their sense of self worth.  It is not until they come face to face with exhaustion and illness that they slow down enough to let feelings surface.  When fatigue, hurt, guilt and shame are felt, they are flooded with pain.  Once expressed in a supportive environment, the pain lifts and is replaced with acceptance, hope and possibility.

Puzzle Pieces

Life is like a puzzle ** and we figure it out by paying attention to the people, the events and the happenings that occur in our daily lives.  Think of your story and see what comes together for you.  Think about your life in 5-year segments.

Life is full of twists and turns, and when we each examine our own stories and experiences, it becomes obvious to us that everyone else has a story.  In each person’s story are lessons learned.  I take the liberty to share a bit of my own story:

First, I must say: Today, my life is a joyous journey.  My family and friends make my world go round and I have meaningful work to do.  There is nothing that I want or need other than what I already have. Because of recovery and its influence on my life, there is no unfinished business. I am at peace and am contented   PUZZLE PIECE – I AM A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CARED FOR BY MY HIGHER POWER.

1975—— I was working hard going to school, starting a business and raising my children.  A spiritual man came to me and said that he needed my help to begin a series of retreats for recovering families.  I told him I did not know how to do that.  He said to me “just say yes and let’s work together”.  I said “yes”.  This work led me to working with children and beginning to understand how children from alcoholic families had special struggles different from children who lived in families that did not have to deal with addiction.  I LEARNED THAT WHEN WE TAKE RISKS AND EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN, CHANCES ARE THERE ARE WONDERFUL SURPRISES IN STORE. I LEARNED THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOT LET LIFE GET STUCK, STATIC OR STALE.

1978 – —– I was given a handout in college about a family therapist who was doing a workshop in Canada.  Her name was Virginia Satir.  I looked everywhere for her (there was no internet) and I found her.  I took a huge risk to go to Canada and work with her.

She changed my personal and my professional life.  I LEARNED THAT IT MAY BE COINCIDENCE OR SYNCHRONICITY, BUT IT WAS CLEAR THAT SPIRITUALITY WAS WORKING IN MY LIFE.

1981 ——I was a single parent raising three children.  I followed my heart and said, “Yes” to a speaking engagement in California.  Little did I know I would meet my soul mate – the person I was waiting for all my life.  I LEARNED TO DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW MY HIGHER POWER AND THE REWARDS WOULD BE THERE FOR ME.

l984 —–The opportunity presented itself to build a company, follow my dreams and instincts and Higher Power would guide me.  With a great deal of fear and trepidation, I borrowed money and bought a company that allowed me to follow my dreams.  It was hard, it was scary and it was a great deal of work.  Today, 2010, that company is still going strong and bringing hope, health and direction for all people seeking many types of recovery.  I LEARNED THAT HIGHER POWER KNOWS MORE THAN WE DO AND TRUST AND COOPERATION ARE WHAT IS DEMANDED FROM EACH OF US.

1995—– I retired as a president of that successful corporation.  I then sold the company and came in off the road to smell the flowers and enjoy my life.  It was hard to leave the work that had become such an important part of my life.   However, I now wanted more frequent connection with family and friends. I LEARNED THAT MY HIGHER POWER WAS GIVING ME A MESSAGE THAT SAID “IT’S YOUR TURN – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF”.  THERE IS A TIME TO GIVE TO OTHERS AND THERE IS A TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

The puzzle is becoming clearer and the message from my Higher Power is becoming very evident.

Recovery and surrender are the keys to a fulfilling and joyful life.

Each of our clients needs to become more of a “yes person”.  BUT, it is only the person who knows how to say “no”, who is able to say “yes”.  Clients deserve to learn boundary skills and that it is important to take risks, make choices, and be willing to jump out of their comfort zone and pursue their dreams.

A caveat:  Mentors, sponsors and therapists can help in so many ways.  They can be brilliant and willing to share their gifts.  However, if they give so much themselves, they also can wear out.  Some give so much that they wear out too soon.  From them, we can learn TO SET BOUNDARIES on our own output.  We can learn and teach as much by what is done as by what is not done.

As counselors, therapists, sponsors, or just a friend or mentor of others, we need to live as examples who do not burn out or run down.  Treasure your family.  It may be a blood family or it may be a “family of choice”.  Either way, identify your tribe.  Take time to develop the relationships where you can laugh, cry, explore an idea or feel safe.  Everyone needs a tribe.

Look for diversity.  It’s important to learn from people of all ages in all situations.

Learn about similarities and differences. Celebrate the richness of all peoples.  Different cultures and beliefs help each of us clarify our true values. We need to travel and connect with people who are like us, and who are different from us.  Associate with people who are open to adventure and willing to journey with you.  Other cultures have so much to teach us.  New experiences expand us.

Walking the ruins of Ephesus, Turkey, or walking in the ruins of Rome creates feelings that can be mirrored your home, depending on your “mindfulness”.  Relish simplicity in your life.  You can find  “spiritual energy” in your home, your garden or when you are with your tribe.

My wish for you is that you feel aliveness and an excitement about looking for the pieces of your personal puzzle.  Look at your life and celebrate who you are up to this date.  Then add the treasure you have found and evaluate the quality of your tribe.  Keep your life in balance and enjoy wherever your life choices take you.

Each of you has a story, a Spirit and a special journey.  Enjoy yours!

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